


(Un)Sexy Saturday

by Caitybug



Series: Unsexy Saturday [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Collection of one shots, Farts, M/M, Oops, Simon passes out, attempting (and failing) to have sex in a bathroom stall, bc Baz goes too hard, but I make them /unsexy/, pretty much a series of fics where I cockblock them all, simon snow tries to seduce Baz Pitch with a nosebleed, these are my sexy saturday posts, this vampire is allergic to garlic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24007744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitybug/pseuds/Caitybug
Summary: These are just my posts that I've been making for sexy Saturday, but I've been making them unsexy.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Unsexy Saturday [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2134035
Comments: 86
Kudos: 199





	1. Simon Snow's Eating Habits

**Author's Note:**

> S/o to [The Flying Peach](http://tumblr.com/blog/theflyingpeach)
> 
> and
> 
> [Adamarks](http://tumblr.com/blog/adamarks)
> 
> for starting this trend. 
> 
> You should also check out both of their AO3's bc they write pretty great shit.
> 
> [ AcriminousGoat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcrimoniousGoat/pseuds/AcrimoniousGoat)
> 
> [Adamarks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adamarks/pseuds/Adamarks)
> 
> If you want to, check me out on Tumblr too! [Caitybuglove23](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)

Snow and I are making out on the couch. He’s above me, kissing down my neck and it’s heaven.

He moves his mouth to my collarbone and I hum in approval. It just feels so good.

I reach my hand around and grab his arse, hearing a squeal from his mouth from surprise.

But what follows I can’t be prepared for.

Simon Snow, the nightmare, let’s out the loudest fart I’ve ever heard.

I pull my hand back and can’t help the immediate laughter that happens.

“Oh my god Baz, I’m so sorry,” Snow says.

I open my eyes, tears from laughter forming at the corners, and his face is bright red.

“You’re a fucking mess, Snow,” I say, still laughing.

He joins after a moment, sitting back and crossing his legs. I follow, but then notice the wrinkle of his nose. 

“You might want to move, Baz.” He says. 

“What? Why?” I ask. He doesn’t need to tell me though, I quickly realize why. 

“We really need to talk about your eating habits,” I say, plugging my nose and walking away. 


	2. We Don't Speak of It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz try not to think of the time they almost had sex in a public restroom... this is the story as to why.

_**Present Day** _

We are having a night in, wine and beer in everyone’s hands when Penny makes an off comment. 

“Oh I bet these two,” Penny gestures to us both, “have had loads of public sex.”

“Pardon?” Baz replies, eyebrows flying upward. 

“Oh come off it Basil, we know you two have sex.” She dismisses him with a wave of her hand and takes a drink. “Neither of you can keep it in your pants. I’m sure you’ve had sex in a public restroom before.” 

Baz and I give each other a look. We both know the answer. We most certainly have tried. But it was one time, and it’ll certainly never happen again. 

_**2 years prior** _

Baz and I are in a bathroom stall at some bar in America. It’s shocking enough to be here, let alone doing what we are doing. 

We swore we’d never be back here. Not since, well, everything. 

But we had to go and befriend one of them. 

Not that I don’t love Shepard. I do. He’s absolutely great. But, if being his friend means more trips out here, I’m not sure how long I’ll keep it up. 

However, it has resulted in something nice. We are in a stall in some bar in fucking Omaha, Nebraska, making out. I hate the Nebraska part, but the kissing Baz bit is quite nice. 

Did you know America’s bathroom stalls have a bunch of gaps in them? It really wouldn’t take much for anyone to see either of us. 

But with the way Baz is kissing my neck makes me not care. 

“Baz,” I gasp, “please.” 

He looks down at me and understands. He pulls down my trousers, then my pants, and moves to get on his knees. 

He’s not even done anything and I’m already closing my eyes, looking to the sky as if I’m praying to a god.

Then we hear the door to the restroom open. 

We both freeze, Baz almost on both his knees, me with my pants pulled down my thighs, and wait. 

Baz gives me a look, both eyebrows raised. Do we still want to do this?

I give him a look that, I hope, says let’s wait it out. 

I expect the bloke to take his piss then leave, but because America seems to be a steamy pile of shit, that’s exactly what we get.

We hear a grunt, and then a noise of something hitting the toilet water.

Both of our eyes go wide, and I pull my clothes back up so quickly I’m surprised they didn’t rip. 

The guy is still going as we leave the stall and open the door. 

“We are never doing that again,” Baz says once we exit. I nod solemnly.

“Agreed.” 

_**Present Day** _

“Bunce, you know nothing about our sex life.” He sips his glass of wine.

I let out a deep breath. We try not to speak of that day. And true to our word, we haven’t done it again. Now, dressing rooms at the store… that would be a different story. 


	3. The Time Simon Snow Tried to Seduce Baz With a Nosebleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title really explains it all haha.

Simon Snow and I are making out in our bed. _Our shared bed_. 

That is, until I smell it. 

I lean back and, sure enough, there is blood coming from his nose.

“Fuck, Snow are you alright?” I ask, leaning back. 

“Shit, yeah I’m so sorry.” He jumps up to grab a Kleenex. “It happens when the air gets really dry.” 

He pauses with the box in his hands and then turns around. There’s blood dripping from his nose to the top of his lip. 

“But, you know, this could be a good opportunity.” He raises an eyebrow. 

I plug my nose, trying to stop the smell. 

“An opportunity for what?” My voice is nasally, but I can’t deal with the scent of him bleeding right now. Fuck, I should have fed before this. 

“Well, you know. You refuse to bite me, but I know you want to taste it. And I want to let you.” He shrugs. There is blood on his chin now. Simon moves to lean against the bed, attempting to make a look that I think is meant to turn me on. 

Why won’t he just clean it up with a bloody Kleenex?

I stand up and cross the room, trying to get far away from him. 

“Simon, I’m not drinking the blood from your nose,” I say, turning to grab the handle. 

“Why not? It’s the same stuff.” 

“I’m getting ice, you absolute buffoon.” I walk out. 

_Drink my nose blood_ , he suggests. What a fucking moron. 

He walks into the kitchen, tissues stuffed up to his nose and head leaned back. 

“I thought you might think it was hot.” 

“Believe it or not, it takes more than a nosebleed to tempt me.” I throw him an ice pack and he stares at me like I’m mad. 

“Put it on the back of your neck, you idiot. It’ll help slow the bleeding.”

“Oh,” he moves to put it on his neck and takes the tissues from his nose. 

There is a thick clot that comes out. I gag a bit. Clotted blood doesn’t taste good. I prefer to drink, not chew, my blood. 

“And _that_ , Simon Snow, is why I will most definitely _not_ be seduced by nosebleeds.” 

He tosses the tissue and shrugs before grabbing a cloth to replace it. 

“Well, now I know. Keep the nosebleeds out of the bedroom.”

I roll my eyes and grab my keys from the counter.

“I’m going to feed,” I tell him, then point to his nose. “Take care of that before I get back.” 

_Simon Snow is a fucking moron._

When I close the door behind me I distinctly hear him shout “I still want to talk about you biting me!” 

I groan and continue walking. 

_Bloody idiot is what he is_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope these little snippets brought some joy/laughter. 
> 
> I'll update if I do any more and all. But feel free to check out my Tumblr!


	4. An Allergic Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz and Simon were separated for two weeks, so when they get back together they're getting to business (of course). 
> 
> But, for some reason, Baz breaks out in a rash.

Simon and I are in bed after being away from each other for two weeks. 

It was painful. 

He kisses me so hard it tingles. I feel a scratch at my throat even, I’m so desperate for it. 

He moves down to my throat, and the tingling feeling lingers on my lips, in my mouth where his tongue was. 

It’s been so long my body doesn’t know what to do. 

My toes curl as he continues to move down my body, and I can’t believe I let myself go so long without it. _Without him._

I moan as he moves to my hip. He lets out a huff of laughter, but I couldn’t care less what escapes me tonight. 

He pulls down my pants and takes me into his mouth and it feels so good for all about one second. 

My body is tingling everywhere he kissed, licked, _bit_. 

But now... well shit this isn’t the same. 

It burns. 

I slip my hand into his hair, and he moans. He doesn’t realize what’s happening. 

I yank him off, at risk of further injury, and sit up. 

“What the fuck?” He asks as I sit up and turn on a lamp. 

“It burns,” I state. I feel like a fucking moron. I finally am able to get laid, after two weeks of wanting, and my dick acts like this? 

“It burns?” He repeats, moving closer to me. 

“Yes,” I respond. It looks red and there are tiny bumps. I start looking up my body, as it gets progressively itchier, and see little red bumps going up my chest. 

“Uh, Baz?’ Simon says wearily. “Are you alright? You’ve got-“ instead of finishing his sentence he touches my face, right where I feel a burning itch. 

Am I allergic to Simon? Did two weeks away mean my body adjusted back to life without him? 

I get up and walk to the restroom and see the rash currently going from my lips to my... 

“Hold on,” I whisper to myself, trying hard not to scratch anything, no matter how badly I want to. 

I start the water for a shower and shout for Simon. 

“Need company?” He asks as he walks in. 

“Do you think now is the time, Snow?” He shrugs so I continue. “What did you eat today” 

“Huh?” 

“Please don’t make me repeat myself.” I get under the warmth of the shower, letting some of the water in my mouth and spitting it out, trying to get whatever it is off of me. 

“Uh, I had a pizza day.” 

“A pizza day?” I ask, sticking my head out of the shower curtain.

My skin is already feeling relieved. 

“Shepard suggested it.” 

I roll my eyes. Of course. I grab the soap. The container feels lighter. Simon must have dropped it while I was out. 

“We had breakfast pizza. It had scrambled eggs and bacon and cheese too. Then we had regular pizza, of course. Did you know you could get garlic cloves on your pizza? It was so good. Then we were supposed to have dessert pizza, but I tripped and it fell into a rain puddle.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I can’t believe he’d be so stupid. 

“I know. I told Shepard you could spell the pizza normal but-“

“No, Simon.” I’m scrubbing my body with soap. “You ate garlic cloves”

“Yeah on my pizza” he sounds confused. “It was really good.”

“And you can’t see what would go wrong with that?” 

“I mean I know it can make you gassy but-“

“Dear Christ. Snow, you ate garlic cloves, then proceeded to try to give head to your vampire boyfriend.” Silence. 

“Do you not understand?”

“I thought the garlic thing was a myth? I’ve definitely made food with garlic in it before. Remember that pasta dish I made before you left?”

I move the shower curtain out of the way to glare at him. 

“I threw up after that!” I shout. 

“Oh,” he mutters. “Shit I’m so sorry Baz. Are you okay?”

I sigh and close the curtain again, scrubbing my body down more to get it off. 

“It’s fine, Simon. Just brush your teeth.” 

I hear the sink run and the familiar sound of him brushing his teeth as I finish my shower. 

Luckily I got in here quickly. The rash could have been a lot worse. 

I turn off the water and grab a towel right when I hear a drawer close. 

“I’m sorry,” Simon mumbles, holding a tube of something out to me. “Here’s an anti-itch cream.”

“You already have that?” I reach out and grab it, opening the cap and putting a bit in my hand. 

“Yeah, well I needed it.”

I frown as I put some of the cream on my chest. He leans against the counter looking down at the floor 

“Why did you need it?”

He mutters something. 

“Look, if we are going to live together I should probably know what you’re allergic to.” I close the cap and put it on the counter. Simon moves to put it back in his drawer. 

I think I saw other medicine in there as well. When did Simon start keeping a medicine drawer? 

“I used your soap one night.” He shrugs. “I missed you and thought it’d be nice but, well.” He coughs. 

I stare at him for a moment before I register exactly what he is saying. I can barely contain my smile. 

He’s so stupid. But my heart is swelling. 

He missed me. 

He missed me so much he used some of my soap just to smell me. 

“Did you brush your teeth for two minutes?” I ask. He looks up at me and frowns. 

“Yes. The toothbrush stays on for two minutes, remember?” 

I smile. I bought him that toothbrush after he complained about a root canal. 

I lean forward and kiss him softly, testing the waters. 

“I missed you too,” I whisper. 

I love this stupid idiot.

**_______**

I end up changing soaps after that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Somehow we ended in kind of a fluffy spot, so I hope that's okay haha. 
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	5. Simon Passes Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Baz thinks he's doing the right thing, Simon hits his head on the headboard and passes out.  
> Baz panics, Simon makes a stupid joke, and yet again the boys don't get to finish having sex.

Simon Snow is passed out on the bed. 

And I don’t mean he’s asleep. He is legitimately passed out. 

We were, well… doing things. And we were getting well into it. 

That was when he wanted me to go a bit harder. 

“Harder,” he had moaned out. God was it hot too, my brain had blanked. 

I wasn’t thinking, not completely at least. 

The only word that crossed my mind was ‘yes’. 

That was my first mistake- listening to Simon Snow. He always has horrible ideas, and following them only means trouble. 

“Simon?” I ask cautiously. 

I’m to the side of the bed now, too scared to touch him, but also too afraid to not. My hands are resting on the sheets next to him, willing for him to come to. 

How long has it been?

Too long. 

When he hit his head on the headboard and passed out I jumped off immediately and started frantically figuring out what to do. 

Should I get Bunce?

_Baz you’re fucking naked_ , she’d say. 

I’d put on clothes first, of course. 

I think. 

“Love?” I whisper. It comes out too shaky. 

It feels like it’s been an eternity. 

What spell helps with a possible concussion?

_What if I fucked Simon Snow into a coma?_

Crowley, I would be mortified. 

I’d take a life of chastity. 

It’s when he groans and moves his head that my panic subsides, at least for a moment. 

“Simon,” I lean over and immediately open his eyes to look at his pupils. He tries to hit my hand away but I resist it. “How are you feeling?”

“Smothered,” he replies back. 

I glare. Does he not understand what happened?

“What happened?” He asks, trying to sit up. “Last I remembered we were, you know...”

“Yes great memory, Snow.” I roll my eyes. “You hit your head on the headboard and passed out. Now let me look at your eyes.” I reach forward again. 

“What are you looking for?” He asks, letting me move my finger back and forth before him. 

“I’m testing for a concussion,” I reply. I have no idea what to look for to indicate he has one, however. I’m not a fucking doctor. _Why am I going to school for economics? My fucking boyfriend is a disaster, certainly going into healthcare would be more beneficial._ “We should go to the hospital.”

“Baz I’m fine. I’ve had a concussion before, it’s not the end of the world.” He smirks. “Hell, I’ve been pushed down the stairs before even.”

I roll my eyes. He will never let that go. 

I didn’t even push him, it was just a lucky punch that ended wrongly. 

“Can you please take this seriously?”

“I am, but trust me I’ll be okay.” He rubs his head and I look for a bump, but nothing is there. 

Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. 

“We should have Bunce look at it.” I look around for clothes to put on. 

“Are you going to explain to her how this happened?”

I pause. 

He knows I won’t want to. But his safety is more important than my pride.

“Look, I’m up, I’m okay. Just shaken up and a little achy. If it gets worse I’ll tell you, alright?” 

I nod. 

“Great,” he says, grabbing me and pulling me fully onto the bed. It’s only moments before we are lying under the covers, arms holding each other and legs intertwined.

“So, Baz,” he starts after a few moments. “Are you saying you fucked me so hard I passed out?”

I hit his chest, which only makes him laugh harder. 

I fucking hate him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you had fun with this!
> 
> Check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	6. Simon Snow and the Butt Plug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon thinks he is surprising Baz with a sex toy... but he accidentally gets something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let the title fool you... there is no smut here haha. Just silly and stupid jokes. 
> 
> Also known as: Simon doesn't read packaging before buying something.

A couple of weeks ago I saw something on Penny’s bathroom counter. It was orange, small, and shaped oddly.

“Where did you get this from?” I asked her. 

I knew exactly what it was. Baz and I had been talking about possibly getting a butt plug, and it looked just like a few we saw online. I couldn’t believe she was just leaving it out on her counter, but I’m glad she lives a sex-positive life. 

“Huh?” She said after grabbing a scrunchie from her drawer, “Oh I got it from Target.” 

I smiled and dropped the discussion, immediately plotting my next move. 

Today, I finally made it to the store. 

The employee looked at me like I was insane when I asked where the sex toy section was, but I guess some people aren’t comfortable with that kind of thing.

So I looked around aimlessly until I found the exact one that I saw on Penny’s counter. 

It was in a weird place, but maybe they wanted to keep them away from the kid’s section of the store.

The makeup section is an odd place, however. 

Despite the reaction from the first employee I interacted with, no one else batted an eye. I passed several people as I went to grab butter and eggs with the plug in hand, and the cashier didn’t say anything either. 

That one worker must have just had a problem. 

When I get home I have a few moments before Baz comes, and I want to give him a full surprise. 

I put the eggs and butter away and walk to Penny’s room. 

“Penny, can I get your help?” I ask, raising my Target bag. 

“Yeah, sure Simon. What’s going on?” She asks, getting up from her bed. 

I pull the plug from the bag and raise it in the air. 

“Do I need to do anything before using this? Like clean or whatever?”

She raises an eyebrow, but grabs it from my hand and opens the package and moves to the bathroom. 

“You should be okay without a deep clean the first few uses, but after that you’ll want to scrub it good with soap and water.” She turns on the faucet and looks at me, still looking like I’m crazy.

Maybe she’s uncomfortable with me coming to her with it. I assumed it would be fine since she had it just sitting out in the open. I see it now even, right next to her makeup. 

It looks brown. 

I try not to think about what that means for me. 

“You’ll want to run it under water before you use it.” She puts it under the water a few times and squeezes it, making it immediately expand. 

My eyes go wide. I didn’t expect  _ that _ to happen. 

She hands it over to me and I stare at it for a second.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I definitely didn’t expect it to feel like a  _ sponge _ . 

“So do I just put it-”

“You can dip it into any powder or liquid-”

“Powder?” I ask, taken aback. I didn’t think they made lube in  _ powder _ form. 

Christ I have a lot I need to learn. 

“Uh, yeah? Just because it’s wet doesn’t mean you can’t use powder, Simon.”

“Ah, alright.” I nod and walk out.

I think I’ve learned enough. 

I walk to the bedroom and undress, trying to set the mood. I even put my clothes away, and lie back on the bed to wait. 

I close my eyes for a moment, smiling when I hear the front door open and close. Baz is going to  _ love _ this.

“Oh, hello there,” he says, walking into the room. I open my eyes. 

“Hey.”

He’s taking off his clothes and I take the process in, letting myself enjoy it. 

He’s so fucking  _ hot _ .

“I got something,” I tell him as he crawls into bed, raising himself above me. 

“Oh, did you now?” He asks, leaning forward to kiss me. 

I hum in response, pulling him down to further the kiss. 

He moves down to my neck, and I almost forget about the bigger picture. 

“What did you get?” He whispers in my ear. 

I have goosebumps. 

I reach under the pillow, where I have it hidden and pull it out. 

“I thought we could use this.” 

He stops kissing my neck to look up. 

“You- what?” He asks. 

Baz is looking at the device in my hand, jaw hanging open.

I must have really surprised him. 

“Yeah, I know we were trying to get one, so I thought I’d surprise you with it.” I lean up and kiss his jaw. 

He grabs it and sits back, staring at it. Baz’s brows are furrowed and he glances up at me and then back down, giving it a squeeze. 

“Simon, what do you think this is?” He asks, finally speaking. 

I sit up with him before responding.

“A butt plug, right? I saw Penny had one on her counter and asked where she got it from. It was only like five bucks at Target.” 

“Simon put on your clothes.”

Baz jumps up and quickly puts on his jeans and shirt again, with me trailing behind him. 

“Bunce?” He asks when we get to her doorway. 

“Yes, Basil.” She replies, reading a book on her bed and not looking up. 

“Can you please tell Snow here what he just bought from Target?”

“Huh?” She looks up to what is in Baz’s hand. “Oh you mean the makeup sponge? Yeah. He said he wanted one. I didn’t take you for the kind to be-”

“And what do you use a makeup sponge for?” Baz interrupts.

“For applying make-up.” She replies, frowning. “What are you getting at, Basil?”

“That’ll be all.” He says, closing her bedroom door.

I swear my face has to be the shade of a tomato. 

We stand in silence for a moment before we hear Penny shout.

“Oh- NO SIMON!”

Baz immediately starts laughing, collapsing to the ground with his back against the wall. 

“You are both,” he says between breaths, “so idiotic.”

I can’t tell if I’m embarrassed, or if this is actually funny. 

Penny’s door flies open.

“Simon, please tell me you didn’t think that was-”

“Oh Bunce, he definitely thought it was that.” Baz interrupts. 

He continues laughing and Penny pushes him over and grabs the makeup sponge from my hand. 

“You don’t deserve this now,” she says, pointing a finger in my face. “Shame, Simon.” 

She goes back behind the door and I am left again with Baz laughing on the ground. 

I feel like a proper idiot now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope this made you laugh :).
> 
> Feel free to come check me out on Tumblr. 
> 
> [Caitybuglove23](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	7. The Neighbors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz and Simon get interrupted by the people who live upstairs.

Baz and I are in my bed, Penny is gone for the night, and I’ve finally got his  _ ridiculous _ button-down shirt off. 

(He refused to let me just tear it off, something about being  _ designer _ and worth more than everything I own).

I’m above him, kissing down his chest. He has soft hair sitting in the middle that I run my fingers through while working my way down. 

He’s so fucking  _ fit _ I want to die sometimes.

Maybe I did.

_ I’ll gladly take this over whatever other universe I could have been in _ . 

I get to his pants and groan when I realize he’s wearing a belt. 

“Seriously, Baz, it’s like you weren’t  _ prepared _ for this moment,” I say, sitting back and trying to unbuckle it. 

It’s weird, unbuckling someone else’s belt. Angles are all off. It’s like trying to tie another person’s shoe. It’s easy when it’s mine, but the perspective is too different when it’s someone else’s. 

“Apologies for thinking my boyfriend was  _ competent _ and could handle a simple belt,” Baz replies, swatting my hands away to unbuckle it himself. “Now please, do continue.” 

I laugh, but move back to his navel, unbuttoning his trousers and slipping them off. 

When I start sucking on a spot right above his hip I hear a groan. 

I suck harder. It’s tough work to get a mark on Baz, but I’m dedicated and determined when the situation arises. 

I slip his pants off, and I hear another groan. 

It sounds a little higher pitch than normal, but I’ll take it regardless. 

I start kissing along his thigh and start to move my hand. 

_ “Oh God, Richard!” _

I stop. 

“What?” I look up at Baz, who has a hand over his face. “What are you playing-”

_ “Fuck, Shelly,”  _ a man’s voice shouts. 

Baz points to the ceiling. 

_ The fucking neighbors.  _

“Can you put a silencing spell-”

“Already done, Snow,” Baz interrupts. “They’re  _ that l _ oud .”

A loud shrill moan escapes from the woman above them. 

I let out a low whistle. 

_ They must be having a real good time _ .

“Well we could ignore it,” I say, moving my hand back to stroke him. 

He grabs my wrist right when the woman starts to scream for the man, (Richard, apparently. Hadn’t formally met him, but at least now I have a name), to go harder. 

“Simon if you touch me I swear to God.”

“Well, they’re doing it.” I shrug, pointing upwards. 

Something starts to creak from upstairs and I can feel myself blush. 

The thought of listening to someone else fucking while we do sounds fairly creepy. 

“Fine,” I sigh, lying down next to Baz. “How long do you think they’ll be at it?” 

“How would I know, you live here. I don’t,” Baz replies cooly. 

“We should have done this at your apartment.”

“Not with Fiona there we aren’t,” Baz replies. 

The last time we tried she came home without us noticing and started blaring Orgasm Addict by the Buzzcocks. 

We didn’t have sex for two weeks after that. 

I also have  _ not _ been invited round his apartment again. 

“Well, what are we going to do then?” I ask. “It’s late, we could sleep.” 

The man starts to groan. I think I hear him talk about how  _ tight _ she feels. 

“I don’t think sleep is going to happen, Snow.” 

“Movie?” I ask, turning to look at him. 

He glances at me and smirks. 

“Only if I get to choose.”

I shrug. 

“Fine by me.” 

I reach over and kiss him. He lets me until the woman lets out a moan. 

“You don’t think he’s hurting her, do you?” I ask. 

“Snow, do shut up,” Baz replies, pushing me off him and sitting up. 


	8. The Shower Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is gone, and Baz takes a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by [Sconey's](http://tumblr.com/blog/scone-lover) post in the discord where there were tons of [Selkie](http://tumblr.com/blog/subpar-selkie)-Styled Simon's on the shower door.
> 
> Also probably gonna go ahead and say this has to be at least partly inspired by [The Honeyed Hufflepuff](http://tumblr.com/blog/thehoneyedhufflepuff) who is the resident expert of the shower wank. (Sorry I'm ruining it for you Ash haha). 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Simon is gone for a week and a half.

He left yesterday morning, leaving me to a quiet apartment all to myself.

He and Shepard are doing a 'Normal bros' trip (Shepard's words). 

I'd argue that Simon isn't Normal.

But the smile on his face was so large, I couldn't bring it up. 

I'm trying to look on the bright side of having space to myself for a bit. 

It means I don’t have to worry about him waking me up too early in the morning. 

Or watch him run through our supplies of butter at an alarmingly fast rate.

But it also means the bed is cooler when I wake up. The lure of his body warmth doesn’t make me want to stay in bed doing, well, _things_. 

I turn on the shower and let it warm up before getting in. 

I’m going to make good use of this time. 

I have work to do, my family has been pestering me to visit, and maybe I’ll get to do a bit of shopping.

I step into the steam of the shower, going through my list of shopping that needs to be done. 

Simon needs clothes, that’s for sure. He has two pairs of jeans that he has completely worn down, and he refuses to admit they need replacing. 

I’m sure I can replace them and he may not even notice. He’ll wear anything that he finds in his drawers (I know this because I slipped my football shirt in there once, and he’s been wearing it consistently since). 

My mind wanders more as I start to wash my hair, on how Simon and I spent yesterday morning. 

He was going to go make breakfast before leaving, so I went to wash up. 

It wasn’t two minutes before he waltzed into the shower and kissed me senseless. 

Kissing, of course, wasn't the only thing he did with his mouth. 

It seemed Simon wanted to be sure I had something to remember him by.

I definitely wasn't complaining. 

I start to put in my conditioner, realizing a _problem_ that is starting to arise. 

I’m an adult, I’ve outgrown wanking in the shower, surely. 

But, maybe, it’s not so bad. 

Simon is gone, and it _would_ be easier to clean up afterward. 

And it’s a Saturday morning, I don’t need to leave for another two hours. I could take my time, play the whole scene out. 

_We certainly took our time yesterday._

I reach down and close my eyes, thinking of Simon. His wet curls draped around his face, looking up at me. 

_His eyes are so_ _blue._

I open my eyes for a brief moment.

Wait- was there-?

 _I swear I saw something in my_ _periphery_. 

I open my eyes back up and on the shower door are a million faces looking at me.

“What the FUCK?” I shout jumping back. 

It happens so fast that I can't stop it. I slip on something and fall down, arse hitting the shower floor. 

The water hits my chest and I look back up to what caused this.

 _The shower door_.

The faces are round, with tiny little curls drawn on them. 

Then I see a note; _I miss you_. There is a tiny heart next to it. 

I remember briefly when Simon was about to leave, his eyes lit up and he ran to the bathroom, saying he needed to do something.

_I just thought he needed to piss._

Turns out he was drawing a million little faces of himself. 

I sit up, taking a closer look at all of them. There's a face smiling at me, another is making a tiny kissy face, they're all so cute.

I see one that HAS to be of me too. (I assume, at least, since there are two tiny fangs sticking out of the mouth. Also, the hair is far superior to his). 

He has me and him together, with a heart drawn around us.

I stand up, my heart quite literally a puddle looking at the drawings.

_My boyfriend is such an adorable_ _pest._

I finish my shower with what little dignity I have left.

My arse is still in a lot of pain, and I can’t help but wonder if I hit it hard enough for it to _actually_ bruise my skin. 

When I get out and dry off I reach for my mobile. 

_Saw the note_. _You’re an absolute menace._

**_I thought it was cute! Did you like it? I read somewhere that if you draw on a shower or mirror, the picture will come back when it fogs up!_ **

_Some warning would have been nice, it was frightening_.

**_Oh. I’m sorry!_ **

_No no, you’re fine, love. I miss you too._

**_:). I love you._ **

I let out a huff of air, smiling down at my phone. Despite the ridiculousness of what he did, it’s still quite sweet. 

_I love you too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Feel free to check me out on Tumblr :)
> 
> [Caitybuglove23](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


	9. The Time They Had Dinner With Swingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Baz are having dinner with another couple.
> 
> Baz learns something knew about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to the discord for inspiring me to do another unsexy Saturday <3

Simon and I, in an attempt to socialize, are with another couple tonight. 

Simon met them through work. Bill and Harry. 

Harry works in IT and he and Simon have gotten on well, I suppose. 

Their flat is simply decorated with photos on the wall of their wedding and a few plants purposefully placed on different tables to bring the room to life.

It’s  _ fine _ . 

(It’s  _ normal.) _

They’re Normal. 

(In every sense of the word. Capital N or not.)

“They seem nice, right?” Simon asks as they take our plates to the kitchen. 

I nod. 

They do, in all intents and purposes. They’re polite, they get our humor, and Bill and I can talk literature with each other.

It just feels like there is something else going on. It’s yet to click, however. 

Harry and Simon seem to be getting along well too. 

“I know they dance, maybe we could all take a class together.” Simon puts a hand on my knee and gives it a squeeze. 

I  _ have _ been wanting to get Snow into a dance class. He needs it. 

Especially if we’re going to get married someday. 

(Someday  _ soon _ , I hope.)

Harry walks out to the living room. 

“Simon!” He exclaims, making me jump slightly. It’s been a slow and quiet evening thus far, so the sudden burst in energy takes me aback. “Do you still want to see that sword?”

Simon jumps up.

I think this is half the reason Simon wanted to come. Apparently this Harry character collects swords, and Simon’s been trying his hardest to take a look. 

_ “Should I show him mine?”  _ He asked on the way here. 

He had his hand on his hip as if he was going to summon it at any second. 

_ “Crowly, no,”  _ I responded. 

They leave the room and Bill comes in, laughing and taking a seat on the couch next to me. 

I pray silently that Simon keeps his sword sheathed. 

“So,” Bill starts, running his hand through his short brown hair. “How long have you guys done this?”

I frown, confused.

“Done what? Exactly?” I ask. “Dinner? We have it each night.”

He gives a funny look.

“Swung,” he responds.

The look on my face must look crazed because his mood shifts completely. 

“That is-” he coughs, face flushing red. “What we are doing here, right?”

I wonder if this is what Snow’s brain feels like every day. I feel like I’m missing something as my mind tries to catch up to what he’s saying. 

_ Swung. _

_ Dancers. _

_ Have you ever- _

My mind clicks into place.

“Crowley,” I mutter. “You’re-”

Bill stands up, looking as uncomfortable as I feel right now. 

“I thought you knew,” he explains. “Harry said he told Simon-”

“Snow is an idiot,” I put my head in my hands. I’m going to need medicine for the migraine I’m in the process of growing. 

Then I realize.

Simon is in the other room with Harry, who thinks we are here to  _ swing _ . 

“Simon!” I shout. 

It comes out more helpless than I mean it to. 

“What’s going on?” Simon asks, stepping around the corner. He’s frowning in confusion, Harry right behind him, looking at us with the same expression.

“They don’t  _ know _ ,” Bill says through his teeth. Harry looks at him, blinking once, twice.

“Oh fu-”

“We’re leaving, grab your things,” I interrupt, trying to get out of here as quickly as I can.

We’ve had enough embarrassment for the evening. 

“What? But I-” Simon stammers.

“Now, Snow!” I repeat.

He follows, grabbing his jacket as he passes it.

Stammered apologies fly in the air, both from Simon and from Harry and Bill. 

I grab Simon’s arm and pull him through the rest of the door and close it behind us. 

“Baz,” he says in a harsh whisper, trying to keep up with me as I walk down the hallway. (The advantage to having longer legs- Snow is  _ always _ trying to catch up to me.)

I ignore him, heading for the car to have this conversation in private.

“Baz!” He says louder this time. I stop and turn towards him. 

He obviously wasn’t prepared as he crashes into me. 

I catch him, helping him stand upright.

His brows are furrowed and his face is a tinge of pink.

“What happened?” He asks, looking up at me.

I thought it was anger, but now he looks concerned. 

“They’re  _ swingers _ , Simon.”

“Well, yeah, Baz,” he responds like it’s a known fact. That we knew all along. “I told you that. They dance.”

I groan. 

_ I love him, I love him, I love him. _

“Simon, they’re not that kind of swinger.”

I wait for him to realize it, but it doesn’t seem to click.

I grab his hand and continue walking the rest of the way out of the building. 

“You know,” I whisper as I open the car door, “like for  _ sex _ .”

His eyes go wide.

“Wait-”

I close the door behind me.

We should have just stayed home tonight.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [love's not a competition (but we're winning)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681416) by [pipsqueakparker (lafbaeyette)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/pipsqueakparker)




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